a year without you

I just don't have it in me today to write the words that deserve to be written about you, Dewey. I guess I'll never have the words. And that's not simply because my talents don't fall under the heading of eloquence. It's because you were both larger than life, and so very down-to-earth and human all at the same time. You were a sort of glue that held this community together. But not just any old glue...no, it was like the magical fairy dust version or something. :) Because you were such an incredible classy person. Nothing about the love of books was ever a competition for you. Nothing about blogging was ever about popularity for you. Things have changed since you died. And of course, change is the stuff of life. But I don't like so many of these changes, Dewey. And fair or not, I can't help but think how things might be different today in the blogging world if you were still here.

And honestly, as much as all that crap eats at me, it doesn't compare to the incredible void that stills haunts me because my friend Dewey is gone. I miss you so fucking much that sometimes I just can't stand it. I miss our e-mail chats. I miss your advice. I miss every damn thing about you. I'm so grateful to have Ana and Eva and Chris in my life. People who love you and miss you as much as I do. Friends that don't tire of sharing "Dewey stories." You're still such a part of our daily lives. I couldn't begin to count the amount of times we've said, "Oooh, I'd love to hear Dewey respond to that" (because we could always count on you for your incredibly intelligent and sarcastic insights) or how many times we've said, "I remember what Dewey said about that book" or how many times we've said, "Oh, how I wish Dewey had had the chance to read this book."

You know, I don't believe that you can actually hear me. And I know that you didn't believe it either. And yet somehow, I can't stop talking to you. And you know, I know you wouldn't even make fun of me for it. Well, if you did, it would only be with kindness and friendship behind it. ;)

Dewey, I love you so very much.

Read-a-thon! Read-a-thon! Read-a-thon!

Yes, that is a direct from quote from the lovely Trish.

*****
So many of us start anticipating the next read-a-thon the very day that the previous one ends. (Sorry for that extremely poorly written sentence...my brain is squishy this morning, and try as I might, I just can't seem to phrase it any more coherently. But I hope you get my meaning.) Seriously, to so many of us, Dewey's Read-a-Thons are literally some of our favorite days of the entire year. And I just can't go on with this post without again acknowledging the joy that Dewey continues to bring to our lives. I can't believe it's been almost a year since she died. And every day I've missed her. Face it, we'll always miss her. And you know, I have to think she wouldn't hold our tears over missing her against us, but I also think she would be much happier knowing that we continued to celebrate our love of reading with one another in a joyful manner. I can't promise that I won't cry a little, or a lot, feeling the empty space where Dewey should be, but I will promise that I will try to hold on to the wonderful gifts she so freely gave to us all in the creation of her baby, the read-a-thon. The gift of time set aside to indulge in a passion. The gift of sharing all the silly giddyness with friends. The gift of meeting new people and starting new friendships. For everything, Dewey, thank you.

*****
When the date for this read-a-thon was first announced, I thought that I wasn't going to be able to participate. Normally it would be the weekend we celebrated Gray's birthday.  At first I thought I was okay with that. Until the official sign-up post went up, that is, and everyone started excitedly chatting about it. I'm ashamed to say that I went into major pout mode. :(  But that evening at dinner, Rich and I were talking about it, and the thoughtful, soon-to-be birthday boy chimed in with, "Well, Mom, why don't we just celebrate my birthday the next weekend?" We explained to him that if we did that, he'd have to share his birthday celebration with Halloween festivities. And bless his sweet heart, he said that was okay with him. So, thanks to Gray, I will be able to participate in my fifth straight read-a-thon! :D

And this year, it's going to be even more of a family event here. This will be Annie's fourth read-a-thon, but in the past the guys have always taken off for fun adventures elsewhere. But this time, Rich is going to fully participate, and the boys are going to participate on a mini-scale. Gray has committed to reading at least 4 hours. ("But it's okay if I read more than that, right Mom?" :D ) And Max...well, if he meets his 1 hour goal, we'll be thrilled. Sort of a poster child for reluctant reader, this little guy is.

So, how are we going to pull this off, both Rich and I reading for 24 hours? (Or attempting to anyway...probably shouldn't count those chickens yet.) With a heaping pile of bad parenting. Yep, a huge stack of DVDs and extended Nintendo DS time. The boys will be overdosing on "screen time." Actually, hopefully they'll be doing all kinds of other things. But when the string of "Mom, can you play chess with me?" and "Dad, let's go play tag." and "Mom, can you make me some more cards?" and well, you get the idea...when this normal string of requests begins, we'll answer it with the electronic babysitter. Yes, I do feel guilty...but it's just one little weekend, right? It won't scar them for life or anything, will it? Come on, help me here people...

*****
Okay, and what is half the fun of the read-a-thon? Yep, putting together that lovely, teetering pile of books!

You've heard it before, you'll likely hear it again: I am a slooooow reader. Wish I wasn't, but I am. Thus, I really only need a pile of three or four books. Maybe five if they're all exceptionally short. But where is the fun in having a pile that small?!! And a person needs options, right? Right. However, this person probably doesn't quite need 35 options.

So, as Annie and I have both done for the last two read-a-thons, I'm going to ask you to help me weed down my pile with that little "first sentence" game. I'll post the first sentence from the books in that precarious monstrosity I've labeled my "read-a-thon pile," and you'll tell me which ones grab you. The duds will thereafter be eliminated.

Which ones would pull you in and keep you awake in the wee hours?

1. Follow the rules.

2. Mr. Sherlock Holmes, who was usually very late in the mornings, save upon those not infrequent occasions when he stayed up all night, was seated at the breakfast table.

3. On a morning in mid-April, 1687, the brigantine Dolphin left the open sea, sailed briskly across the Sound to the wide mouth of the Connecticut River and into Saybrook harbour.

4. What a lot of hairy faced men there are around nowadays.

5. I am telling you this just the way it went with all the details I remember as they were, and including the parts I'm not sure about.

6. The surname of the family was Cox, the father a very successful trial lawyer, but the target was the mother.

7. The slaaf stumbled along the shore of Willow Lake.

8. "Mrs. Locke?"

9. After a hard day, your steps become heavy.

10. My first anime convention...did not start out smooth.

11. Dear friend, I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn't try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have.

12. Midsummer: The long days begin in bright, rising mist and never end.

13. The promised me nine years of safety but only gave me three.

14. This is how things look: Shady Pines Apartments, four shabby buildings tucked off the road near the highway.

15. Anyone who writes a book of science about great, flesh-eating beasts should be required up front to disclose their bias.

16. When he was thirty-six, Gregory Volfovich Chudnovsky began to build a supercomputer in his apartment from mail-order parts.

17. Once upon a time, a scattered group of girls undertook the passage from girlhood to womanhood in a city built around a bay.

18. That's a great idea!

19. I opened the door and froze.

20. Here we go!

21. I was born in this house, and grew up here.

22. I once believed that life was a gift.

23. An owl called, its shuddering hoots repeating mournfully in the distance.

24. The forecourt of the Chinese Theater smelled of rain-wet stone and car-exhaust, but a faint aroma like pears and cumin seemed to cling to his shirt-collar as he stepped around the clustered tourists, who all appeared to be blinking up at the copper towers above the forecourt wall or smiling into cameras as they knelt to press their hands into the puddled hand-prints in the cement paving blocks.

25. How shall I begin this tale so you will get some sense of what manner of creature I am?

26. A Midwestern town.

27. Like many fathers, mine could occasionally be prevailed on for a spot of "airplane."

28. Science, reason, and rationality have, by nearly any recent measure, suffered serious diminishment in the public sphere.

29. Anyone living in the United States in the early 1990s and paying even a whisper of attention to the nightly news or a daily paper could be forgiven for having been scared out of his skin.

30. No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream.

31. This is my story about what happened to me last year when Mum got ill and Dad and I had to go and stay at Aunt Nan's and I had my weird dream.

32. "Here they come," said Cecy, lying there flat in the High Attic dust.

33. It was so weird.

34. "I'm off to school, Ma."

35. "Say what you will about our mutual ex-husband."

Thanks for playing...I'm sure you'll all pick me some winners. :D

*****
On a sort of related note...

Annie is a member of the Teen Advisory Board at our local library. And our library is one of the local libraries that helps sponsor the annual Greater Rochester Teen Book Festival each spring. Today all the sponsoring groups get together and participate in a fund-raising read-a-thon. (Pretty sure this 4 hour version will be a piece of cake for Annie...and a nice warm-up for the 24-hour one, huh?) Anyway, I wanted to thank all of you who so generously sponsored her! She's thrilled to be walking in there with such a nice list of sponsors and an envelope full of money. Thank you!

****
Okay, I'll finally shut up.

Dewey's Read-a-Thon

You know, in a way, I don't want to write this post. Because the last thing I want to do is sound overly dramatic or anything. I first met Dewey when she was planning the very first read-a-thon. And I was immediately drawn to her. How could one not be, right? Over the next year plus, I came to know her as a very dear friend. And I participated in all three read-a-thons. Hell, I lived for Dewey's read-a-thons! Anyone who has read my blog for a while knows that...I don't think I ever did a very good job at hiding my over-the-top giddy joy when it came to the read-a-thons. ;)

I'm so grateful to Nymeth and Trish and WordLily for taking on the job of continuing what Dewey started, and which they were so kind to help Dewey with during the last one. I can only imagine how hard it must be for them. But I hope they know how much their work is appreciated.

Personally, I've gone back and forth and back and forth about whether I even wanted to read this time. On the one hand, I couldn't imagine doing it...and on the other, I couldn't imagine not doing it. Then yesterday, when Rich and Annie got home from school, I told them that the dates had been announced for the next read-a-thon. Annie's eyes immediately welled-up with tears and she said, "Oh but Mom, it just won't be the same." And at that moment, I sort of knew that we should do it. I told Annie that she was right, that it certainly wouldn't be the same. But that Dewey had worked so hard, so unselfishly to put these read-a-thons together to bring everyone else a day of fun, and that I knew in my heart, that she surely wouldn't want us to give up on that because we missed her.

And then Rich said, "So guys, where are we going to go this time?" And at that moment it slammed me upside the head that the gifts Dewey had given me were even more numerous than I'd realized. Without even counting the wonderful gift of her friendship, with the read-a-thon alone she'd bestowed upon me so much. Of course, there were the actual read-a-thon days filled with 24 glorious hours lost amid the pages. And Annie joined me for the last two read-a-thons, so there was that wonderful added bonus of mommy-daughter bonding in such a fun way. And it turns out it was a gift for my guys, too...who have turned the read-a-thon weekends into special daddy-sons events. And then throw in the incredible gift of friendships first made through the read-a-thon...for instance, that's were I first met (and marveled at!) the sweet Eva, whose friendship I absolutely cherish. So, while Annie was right about it not being the same, I've decided it would be wrong of me to throw Dewey's wonderful gifts away. So yes, I think we will be reading again.

Again, let me apologize if I'm being too personal here. But I know I'm not alone in still missing Dewey so much it physically hurts. And I'm just not going to pretend I don't.

So...who else is reading???

A blog has been set up for the appropriately named Dewey's Read-a-Thon. They've got tons of info available over there. But first thing everyone should do...clear your calendar for the weekend of April 18/19.

Weekly Geeks...A Tribute to Dewey

I have to admit that the last couple days have been a fog. While I've been going around reading what everyone had to say about Dewey, for the most part I haven't been able to make myself comment. This loss is so profound, and dealing with it in private has been my choice. I think we all have to cope in our own ways, don't we?

But in truth, I haven't really been grieving in private. I've spent much of the past few days talking with Nymeth. She's one of the very best friends I have in all the world. And if that alone wasn't enough to make me turn to her right now, there's the fact that she loves Dewey like I love Dewey.

Forgive me if I ramble. I didn't know how to hop back into this world of blogging. I wanted things to be normal first. But things won't be normal. Well, at least not old normal. I suppose there will be a new normal. Yeah, see what I mean about rambling. Anyway, I thought Becky's idea about a Weekly Geeks tribute to Dewey was the perfect opportunity to rejoin the blogging world.

I first met Dewey barely more than a year ago, when she announced the first read-a-thon. I was immediately drawn to her. Her humor and her intelligence both drew me in and intimidated me. For a while I faithfully read her blog, participated in the first read-a-thon, signed up for her challenges. And while even then I admired her, I didn't really get to know her beyond her blog.

The hole that is left in the book blogging community is truly monumental! Frankly, it's hard to even imagine the vastness of her absence. But to be perfectly honest, I haven't been able to quite process that aspect of it yet. Right now my grief is so focused on Dewey the person, Dewey the friend, that I can't quite make it to Dewey the community builder yet.

See, somewhere along the line, we crossed the line from "blogging buddy" to "real friend". Maybe those aren't quite the right words. I actually do count all of my blogging buddies as friends. But I'm sure most everyone can understand what I mean when I say there's a small handful of people who end up meaning the world to you. Dewey was one of those people. I don't even remember how exactly the transition began. I guess through those practical-type e-mails, you know challenges and prizes and discussions about books. And somewhere along those e-mails became more personal. Sometimes just pure fun. Like the time we talked about chocolate. Turns out we're both "chocolate snobs" (her term). Sometimes they were much more personal. Sometimes they were just plain old "this is what's going on in my world today" type e-mails. Like the one she sent last Monday...where she just talked about managing to get her turkey at "just the right time" (after they dropped the price, but before they ran out) and about how she loved hosting Thanksgiving because she loved having the leftovers.

Nymeth and I were talking about (and I sincerely hope she doesn't mind me sharing this) how Dewey is still there in our homes. Seriously, how many of us have books in our home that are there because of Dewey?!! I'm sure if I gathered up all the books I'd bought because of her recommendations and reviews, I'd fill a nice-sized shelf. Books for pleasure, books for homeschooling, books I'm giving as gifts this Christmas. Not to mention e-mails that I'd never gotten around to deleting (for which I'm now quite grateful). I even found her on my Christmas shopping list yesterday when I went out to try to finish up my shopping (it said "Dewey--some REALLY GOOD organic dark chocolate...").

Oh my. I apologize. I know I'm far from eloquent in the best of times. And well, this has been rambling and possibly even incoherent. But it is heartfelt. And I hope Becky doesn't mind that I published this before Saturday, I just felt like I had to get it out.

Finally, I know there's a true anguish on all of our parts for Dewey's family. It's hard to comprehend their loss, which is obviously so much greater than any of ours. But I hope should her husband and son ever choose to read these tributes that it will give them a good feeling witnessing through our words how much joy Dewey brought to our lives.

this is real life

I can say for certain that I am not the only person currently sitting in a state of shock right now. I'm fairly sure I'm not the only person out here who simply has not been able to stop the steady flow of tears over the last hour.

Truly my heart is breaking for Dewey's husband and son. I honestly can't begin to comprehend how hard the last week must have been for them. It's so hard knowing there's nothing you can do to ease their pain.

And frankly, selfishly, it's hard knowing that Dewey is gone. This whole idea of IRL friend and on-line friend...well, it has never hit home harder how ridiculous those distinctions are. No, I've never met Dewey face-to-face. But in no way could I have considered her more of a friend if I had. For the past year plus, she's been such an important person to me. We all know what a wonderful place her blog is, and about all the fun "stuff" she puts together. Losing all of those things will make the book blogging place an entirely different world. But I know for me, and I suspect many others out here, it's so much more than that. My affection for Dewey only continued to grow as we became closer through e-mail. She was such a supportive, funny, caring person.

I just don't know how to say it, but Dewey was one of the truly "good people" out in the world. A generous, loving person if ever there was one, you know.

Anyway, I wasn't sure what to write here. But I couldn't let that stop me. I, along with so many others, will miss Dewey more than I know how to express.

I love you, Dewey!